Welcome to the madhouse

I had no idea having a baby was going to be this time-consuming! Finding a minute for myself has become a massive luxury and just finding the time to have a shower/have breakfast/go to the toilet is quite a challenge. Part of the reason for this is Jake's little not-pooing problem. I have now found out that babies under a month old should be pooing 3 -4 times a day up to once every 3 -4 days - anything more or less than that needs to be checked out by a doctor.

Last week Monday we took Jake to see our doctor after 10 days without a poo-filled nappy. When the doctor wanted to examine him, he had just filled his nappy! He was a lot happier after that, but didn't repeat the performance for the rest of the week and was in more & more pain after each feed. Awful to see and you feel so helpless not being able to do anything. We went back to the doctor on Friday and he prescribed an enema. We gave him the enema and he pooed a bit, but it was nowhere near what you'd expect after so many days and such frequent feeding.

Yesterday I got back in touch with the doctor and we got another enema. He has also referred us to a paediatrician, who we are going to see tomorrow. We gave him the enema yesterday evening and then I fed him, during which time I heard an orchestra of noises happening in his nappy. When I changed him, he had clearly emptied his bowels entirely! Since then, he has been a much happier, relaxed baby, so this is clearly his main issue. I'm very curious about what the paediatrician will say.

Other than that, Jake is a sweet, contented baby. He went through a growth spurt (I think) over the last couple of days, so I felt like I was feeding him continuously. Still, it feels good to know I'm feeding our child with the best possible food for him and it's coming from my body! At night, I feed him lying down and usually wake up a while later with one bare breast and a well-fed sleeping baby beside me. The last few nights, he's only been waking up once after a good 5 or 6-hour stretch, which is wonderful. Then when he feeds, he drinks for ages, but at least that lasts him till the morning.

I'm trying to train Jake to go to sleep when I put him in his crib. We kept putting him in his crib when he was already sound asleep and would pick him up again if he woke up and started crying. Now, I let him cry for a bit and the last few times he has fallen asleep by himself. Another step in the right direction!

As for me, I sometimes feel very vulnerable, very fragile, which is something I'm really not used to. The silliest things make me burst into tears, whereas I've never been someone who cries easily. Yesterday I was in a shopping centre with Jake and saw a man get arrested for stealing. Normally I would have been fascinated by this real-life drama, but yesterday the man's hardened face made me well up with tears for bringing Jake into this cold, hard world. I feel like I've taken leave of my senses. Also, as a young mum, you get so much advice from so many different people and that sometimes makes me feel really insecure. I've chosen a certain path and then someone will give me advice that makes it clear I perhaps haven't chosen the right path. I'm trying to go with my instincts, but I also want to do the best possible thing for my little boy and all this conflicting advice sometimes makes me wobble.

I feel really protective over Jake and my motherly instinct will raise its head at the strangest moments. I don't mind people cuddling him or walking around with him, but I hate it when people kiss him. That just feels really intimate and it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I never expected motherhood would bring so many bewildering changes with it. It's fascinating, frustrating, painful and wonderful all at once.

Pieces of the puzzle

Jake is coming along in leaps and bounds. After a weight loss from 4045 g to 3500 g in the first week, we had him weighed on day 13 and he was 4110 g!! He had also grown 2 cm in 2 weeks, so at least we know he's doing fine in the growth stakes. It also means he's obviously getting enough nourishment, which is a relief after the shaky start we made.

He has also discovered breastfeeding. Three days ago, I tried to get him to latch on in the early morning and he suddenly did so perfectly, without so much as a whimper, as if he'd been breastfeeding from day 1. He completely drank me dry and fell into a deep sleep, only to wake up again a few hours later and do the same thing. I was amazed! For the last 3 days he has been exclusively breastfeeding and when R hands me the baby, he latches on before I've even got the rest of his body in my arms, he's that keen. It's as if he has suddenly clicked - oh, so that's what those things are for! It's both wonderful and exhausting, because now R can't help out anymore, beyond handing Jake to me. I'm not complaining though - I'm just so pleased he's figured it out.

The night before last, I had fed Jake for ages, R changed his nappy and the little man was yawning like crazy. Perfect recipe for a contentedly sleeping baby, right? Wrong. He dropped off to sleep, we put him in his crib and his eyes snapped open, as if we had just given him a caffeine injection. He started crying, so we gave him a finger to suck on, which often calms him. After half an hour of finger-sucking, we were getting rather fed up, but Jake's eyes were wide open and he didn't look like he was going to go to sleep anytime soon. This started in the early evening and by 1 am, we were still walking around, cradling a screaming baby. We were both ready to throttle him and I was in floods of tears from frustration. There is a 24-hour helpline we can use, so I called them and got the answer "Babies sometimes do this." Their advice was to try and distract him in some way, by giving him a finger to suck on (check), walking around with him (check), speaking to him in soothing tones (check) or taking a drive with him. I didn't really feel like a drive in the middle of the night, so I lay down in bed with him, gave him a finger (for the nth time that night) and 5 minutes later he was asleep. Why hadn't he done that hours before? Complete mystery.

One thing is that Jake hasn't pooed for about a week now, but he does incredibly smelly farts, during which he crunches up into a ball. This could have been the problem that night, but apparently breastfed babies often don't poo more often than once or twice a week, or sometimes as little as once a fortnight. Formula milk can make them constipated, but breast milk is so light and easy to digest that there is very little waste for them to get rid of. Seeing Jake has had both over the last week, it could be that he is a bit constipated, so we are very much looking forward to his next poo-filled nappy!

Last night I fed Jake and put him in his crib when he'd fallen asleep. Once he was there, his eyes snapped open and he was wide awake. Again. I gave him a finger to suck on, but after 20 minutes, the eyes were still wide open and I sure as hell wasn't going to sit there with my finger in his mouth for the next few hours! So I got his dummy and gave it to him. He sucked on it a couple of times and then it fell out of his mouth and he started screaming again. When I tried to give him the dummy again, he opened his mouth wide (like they do for breastfeeding) and couldn't grab hold of the dummy. I've never heard of a baby who can't suck on a dummy! Finally, R took him into bed with him, gave him a finger to suck on and let him fall asleep that way.

When Jake woke later on for a feed, I fed him lying down and we both fell asleep until he woke up for his next feed. The same thing happened that time, but after that feed, we put him in his crib and he slept till 10 am! Ahhh, bliss. So we're not there by a long shot, but we have had a relatively peaceful night. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he settles more easily after he has finally pooed. Or if we manage to teach him to suck on a dummy. Or both! Babies are such a mystery. Every time you have found another piece of the puzzle, you realise the puzzle has a lot more pieces than you originally thought.

Step by step

Jake is a pretty content little boy - most of the time. We're still getting used to each other and learning to communicate. The night before last he screamed for ages, whereas he'd been fed, changed, cuddled and fed again. Turned out the little mite was still hungry, which was pretty unbelievable. Yesterday was the day that he upped his milk intake, so he was quite grouchy, but he's sleeping like a little angel now. I've been a bit weepy because I worry about him and I'm a bit stressed about the breastfeeding problems I've been having with him.

Because Jake was a ventouse delivery, he had a massive headache the first few days (apparently the equivalent of a concussion for an adult) and didn't feel like drinking. He lost too much weight that way, so my midwife insisted I give him formula as well as the breast milk. In order for him not to get used to a teat on a bottle, we are giving him the formula through 'finger feeding' - you put a finger in his mouth and insert a syringe with a pointed rubber attachment next to your finger. When he starts sucking hard, you squirt small amounts of milk in his mouth. He was refusing the breast most of the time, so I'm expressing and we give him that by finger feeding as well.

I wasn't expressing sufficient milk either, but I called a lactation consultant who did a home visit. She recommended expressing every 2 hours when Jake doesn't feed at the breast or 1 hour after each feed when he does. The more you feed/express, the more milk you produce. I'm also taking a homeopathic breastfeeding syrup, which has really helped increase my milk production (it doubled in 2 days!) The last couple of days he has had almost only breast milk and he is practically back at his birth weight.

Yesterday he breastfed no less than four times and six times today - I'm so proud of our big boy! We still have to supplement this with the finger feeding, but I still have high hopes that we will be able to stop the finger feeding altogether before long.

Every day is another step in the right direction and we are getting to know Jake better & better.

Jake has arrived!!

I got to the hospital at 7 am on Thursday when they were going to give me a gel to hopefully stimulate the contractions. However, the baby’s heartbeat became very low when I got a Braxton Hicks contraction, so they decided not to use the gel – once the gel is in there, you can’t go back and if the baby gets distressed it could all get very messy. So they changed the plan and said they were going to break my waters instead.

They broke my waters at about 8 am and waited for my contractions to start. They did, but were too mild, so I got intravenous drugs to stimulate them. They started coming hard & fast after a while and it was so exhausting! They were really painful and I squeezed the life out of R's arm! I felt like I was running the marathon, with R mopping my brow after every contraction and trying desperately to get my strength back before the next one. Finally, at the end of the afternoon, I started getting the urge to push, but I wasn't dilated far enough. Most frustrating.

At last, around 6 pm, they told me I could start to push, which was a massive relief. I pushed and pushed and pushed, but Jake just wasn't coming far enough from under my pelvic bone. After a good hour, they said I would start to lose my strength, so they gave me an episiotomy and put a suction cup on his head. Two women were hanging on it, trying to pull him out and then the suction cup came off! So the poor little mite had to have the cup put back on his head and finally they pulled him out with quite some force.

They put him on my belly and he cried for a bit, pooed on me and then just wriggled around - wonderful feeling. After a good half an hour, they took him off to weigh him and it was then that I saw how huge he was! 4045 g, with massive hands & feet! When they measured him the next day, it turned out he is 54 cm, so a big fella all in all.

We spent that night in the hospital and managed a few hours’ sleep. R was allowed to take us home the next morning and for the next week we get home care every day (standard practice in Holland) – they take care of Jake and us, help with the breastfeeding, check my stitches, keep the house clean, keep track of Jake’s temperature and nappies, make the bed, help me shower etc etc. Wonderful!

When they stitched me up, it turned out I had also torn quite a bit, so I have a lot of stitches and that is probably the worst bit for me. But I am actually sitting ON my stitches - best thing for them, apparently!

Jake has worked out breastfeeding now and drinks like a trooper. He sleeps very well too and loves to be cuddled, as long as you avoid his sore head. That is already improving though and he should be fine in a few days. My swelling has gone down a bit and I’m slightly more mobile today than yesterday, but I shuffle around like an old lady when I’m up & about.

He has black hair, blue eyes and looks like neither of us!

A helping hand

This afternoon we went back to the gynaecologist. They first hooked me up to the heart monitor - the baby's heart was beating away like it should and the baby was wriggling around the whole time. Then they did a quick scan and the sonographer said "Oh, here's a tiny bit of amniotic fluid." When I heard that, I pretty much knew what the gynaecologist was going to say. He said the heart was perfect and apparently I had a few contractions while I was attached to the monitor. So he still has hope that the baby will come out naturally. But if not, then I have to be at the hospital at 7 am tomorrow and they will insert some gel which should help my cervix to dilate. The gynae hopes that my uterus will take over at that point and that I will have an almost-natural birth. It could still take a while, but they need to speed things up now that the placenta is not working as well as it should be, thus producing less amniotic fluid.

This is very exciting! I could be a mum tomorrow! Or the day after, or tonight even. I've been walking around the house, doing all those last-minute things that really aren't that important. And I just bought some baby clothes off eBay. Crucial stuff.